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[Epic]

(AN: Was going to make this an rp, but decided to make it a fan fiction instead. Critique more than welcome so long as it's constructive)

 

PROLOGUE

 

Night had fallen on Denerim in North Eastern Ferelden, shrouding the city in shadow and fog. At the Royal Palace, King Alistair Therein and Queen Alessia Cousland were preparing for a meeting with the Templars and mages in Ferelden. For the past ten years, a brutal and bloody war between mage and Templar ravaged Thedas. Alistair, a famous mage sympathizer, has called for the war in Ferelden to end. This meeting would see to that. For the first time since the start of the war, mage and Templar will sit together in one room and negotiate a settlement. Alistair was a handsome, charming king of 31 and his wife, Alessia Cousland, daughter of the late Teyrn Bryce Cousland, was a little younger at 29, but was a strong leader in her own right. Both were dressed in their finest clothes made from Orlesian silk. They wanted to make a good impression at this peace conference. "Are you sure both sides will listen to reason?" Alessia asked, putting her hair up in a bow.
    "They have to," Alistair responded, sitting on the foot of the bed, "i'm the king." Alessia smiled and buttoned up her blouse.
    "I see this war hasn't dampened your optimism, darling." She paused, looking at herself in the mirror. "Do you think the Champion of Kirkwall will come?" Alistair stood up and walked over to Alessia, putting his hands on her shoulders.
    "Oh, i'm sure he's itching to be in a room of Templars who would love to see his head on a spear. He joked, cracking a smile. Alessia frowned and turned around, obviously not amused.
    "I'm not joking, Alistair. His presence here would be a great boost for the mages. Not to mention keep the Templars at bay." Her husband chuckled and shook his head.
    "Look, if worst comes to worst, i'm sure you and I can handle them. You've slayed an Archdemon, my dear. A few Templars should be no problem." Despite her husband's encouragement, Alessia was still worried. There were many on both sides who would see this conference ended. She didn't want blood to be spilled this night. Just then, there was a knock on the door. Alistair opened it to reveal an elven servant girl.
    "Your Majesty, the diplomats are here."
    "Thanks, Ella. Tell them we're on our way." With a bow, Ella exited. Alistair gestured towards the open door. "Shall we?" With a nod, Alessia stood next to him and the two made their way downstairs to the conference room, built especially for this occasion. A round stone table was set in the middle of a large room, fine Tevinter wine was set out for the diplomats. Once the king and queen entered, the room fell silent. Ella poured everyone a glass of wine. There were six diplomats in total. Three Templars and three mages, just as they agreed beforehand. First Enchanter Irving of the Ferelden Circle of Magi led the mages and Knight-Commander Greagoir the Templars. Irving bowed his head respectfully to Alessia and Alistair, remembering their assistance in saving the Circle naught eleven years ago. Greagoir was less respectful, but still bowed his head, stealing a hateful glance at the king. The two took their seats at the head of the table. Alistair took a sip of his wine and nodded at Alessia to begin.
    "Knight-Commander Greagoir, First Enchanter Irving, mages and Templars both, thank you for coming. Hopefully, this night, we can put aside our differences for the greater good." Alessia paused and pulled out some blank parchment. She then slid the inkwell and a quill over to her. "Let us open these negotiations by stating the demands of each side. First Enchanter, I take it you will be speaking for the mages?" Irving gave a small nod.
    "Yes, my Queen." He rasped, pulling out a scroll from his robes. He opened it up. "We, the Mages of the Broken Circle, in response to the request of King Alistair and Queen Alessia to attend a peace conference, hereto make the following demands." Irving wet his lips before speaking once more. "First, we demand the abolition of Templar control over the Circle of Magi."
    "Absolutely not!" Greagoir exclaimed, slamming his fist on the table.
    "Let him finish." Alessia said calmly, writing on the parchment. Irving tried to find his place on the document and cleared his throat.
    "Next, we demand that the law be changed to only make it to where at-risk individuals be forecibly placed in the Circle of Magi. Our third and final demand is that we be given a new area of land and a new building in which to practice magic." Alessia looked towards Greagoir.
    "Your response?" Greagoir pulled his own scroll out of his breastplate and opened it. He read the scroll, changing parts to reflect Irving's demands.
    "We will give you a new building. Nothing more." Irving scowled at Greagoir.
    "You would see us mages slaves. We will not drop any of our demands, Knight-Commander." Irving said in a slightly more irritated town.
    "Your demands are completely unreasonable! You cannot expect us to accept them as is!" He growled. "We will be willing to minimize Templar presence and interference in Circle business. But we will not accept your second demand. Mages are dangerous. All mages are what you call "at-risk." All mages can be possessed, no matter their skill." Irving mumbled something and whispered among his collegues.
    "We still demand that you abolish mandation of the Circle."
    "I will say it once more, Irving, ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Irving stood up.
    "Then this conference is over!" A scream then echoed throughout the outside hallway. The five guards in the room turned towards the door, readying their weapons. Everything was eerily quiet. A minute passed. Then two. All that could be heard was the breathing of those in the room. The templars drew their weapons, then the mages their staffs. The air began to feel heavy and wet, smelling and tasting of iron. Of blood. Then the door burst open, a bloody mist pouring into the room. Everyone jumped out of their seats, Alessia and Alistair drew their weapons, but just as Alistair brought his blade up, a thrown dagger shot through the mist and found its mark in Alistair's heart. He fell to the floor, dead in seconds.
    "Alistair!" Alessia cried in despair as she saw her husband slain. She rushed to his side, unconcerned for her own safety. Greagoir raised his blade, a white light radiating from it. With a slash, he dispelled the blood mist. But the assassin was gone. Alessia was still on the ground, crying over Alistair's body. The guards were frozen until Alessia looked up at them. "Check on my son, now!" The guards all nodded and ran out of the room. Greagoir looked at Irving, malice in his eyes.
"The king is dead. Killed here by a mage. For him, you will pay. All mages will pay."

Edited by Adam West, 05 February 2013 - 06:14 AM.

[The Dream]

I like it, it's a good opening and everything. I will ask though, are the lack of spaces (between paragraphs) deliberate? I tend to enjoy being able to see when something new is being described or when a new conversation is happening. If not a new short (and intense) conversation then when there's a seperate description in there for something else. It just sorts everything and treats each thing as their own special moment or thing which makes them sound better (you get what I mean?).

For example:
 

    "Then this conference is over!" A scream then echoed throughout the outside hallway. The five guards in the room turned towards the door, readying their weapons. Everything was eerily quiet. A minute passed. Then two. All that could be heard was the breathing of those in the room. The templars drew their weapons, then the mages their staffs. The air began to feel heavy and wet, smelling and tasting of iron. Of blood. Then the door burst open, a bloody mist pouring into the room. Everyone jumped out of their seats, Alessia and Alistair drew their weapons, but just as Alistair brought his blade up, a thrown dagger shot through the mist and found its mark in Alistair's heart. He fell to the floor, dead in seconds.
 

From the point where the scream is everything starts to sound intense so I'd suggest cutting it off and starting a new paragraph from when the actions of the guards are. It just gives it more effect and everything doesn't look squashed and rushed (not in a tense way). Also with this part with the "The air began to feel heavy and wet, smelling and tasting of iron", you could make it like "smelling and acquiring the taste of iron". That's just a suggestion. My point with that is that it sounds really awkward from the heavy and wet feeling, then suddenly getting the smell and taste in one mouthful.
 
A few words also seem very simply put, for example "as Alistair brought his blade up". Something like "held his blade high" or "brought his blade up into the air", or just "out", would sound less basic. The word "up" just doesn't fit in there.
 
 

Night had fallen on Denerim in North Eastern Ferelden, shrouding the city in shadow and fog. At the Royal Palace, King Alistair Therein and Queen Alessia Cousland were preparing for a meeting with the Templars and mages in Ferelden. For the past ten years, a brutal and bloody war between mage and Templar ravaged Thedas. Alistair, a famous mage sympathizer, has called for the war in Ferelden to end. This meeting would see to that. For the first time since the start of the war, mage and Templar will sit together in one room and negotiate a settlement. Alistair was a handsome, charming king of 31 and his wife, Alessia Cousland, daughter of the late Teyrn Bryce Cousland, was a little younger at 29, but was a strong leader in her own right. Both were dressed in their finest clothes made from Orlesian silk. They wanted to make a good impression at this peace conference. "Are you sure both sides will listen to reason?" Alessia asked, putting her hair up in a bow.
    "They have to," Alistair responded, sitting on the foot of the bed, "i'm the king." Alessia smiled and buttoned up her blouse.
    "I see this war hasn't dampened your optimism, darling." She paused, looking at herself in the mirror. "Do you think the Champion of Kirkwall will come?" Alistair stood up and walked over to Alessia, putting his hands on her shoulders. 

 

The writing up to the first dialogue should be separate. It's a nice opening there. Or you could keep the first dialogue there, but I think it's preferred that it's seperate.

 

Now apart from the opening, I have to ask for more description. Not just there but almost everywhere. Suddenly Alistair is sitting on "the bed". Where did this bed come from? You don't really know where they are or if he intended to sit on a bed then suddenly he sits on "the bed". I suggest going on and describing a little about this bed and where it is just to set the scene. I'm not saying you describe everything about it, something like the colour of the bed and it being in their room or something would be sweet. The same thing goes for Alessia and her lovely mirror. Later on when they go the conference room there's some nice description there but still you need some more description. Where is everyone? Who's in there? What kind of a room is it? (like are there stones everywhere, banners, where are all the guards". All this could be in a separate paragraph and could just help everyone visualize everything.

 

When you write this you have the whole scene in your head, right? (I hope so). So explain to us what you see as well. It will deliver everything and it'll catch the reader. They'll feel like they're there or they're reading a good story. Not only that, it will throw some more reasons to put in some nice words to practice the use of your vocabulary.

 

So yeah, that's what I have to say. In short, vocabulary, separate paragraphs and conversations and try to break away from basic words. Basic words are good at times but when you can make something sound better (or less awkward) then go for it. Almost any excuse is good to improve your writing ability. This all from my point of view, someone else on here might be more helpful (AhemIthinkIgifheisn'tbusy) but either way I hope this helps.