Polygamy/Polyamory

While the two terms are in no way interchangeable, I figured a compound thread for them would be suitable. I will leave my opinions at the door considering my age and leave discussion for the more...knowledgeable members here. For those rusty on the terms:

Polygamy - Multiple marriages/multiple spouses. Specific terms also exist for a man with several women, a woman with several men, and a mix between.

Polyamory - Having an intimate relationship with more than one person, with everyone in the relationship having full knowledge and consent of this. Not to be confused with "swinging".

Why don't you start the discussion as to why you made this thread in the first place?

Fair enough, I suppose. It was something that came to mind a decent while ago when Candice and I were tossing ideas and thoughts back and forth concerning Quin. Polygamy is allowed (though frowned upon) in many locations, usually with only the first marriage/partner being legally recognized when it comes to finance and other such matters, at least as far as I know.

Which got me thinking about the general disdain I get whenever I hear anything about polygamy and the idea of polyamory across just about all age groups; the amount of people who apparently had nothing but scorn for the ideals was staggering. So I'm just a tad curious as to why exactly this is. Is it that multiple marriages/spouses "cheapens" the idea of getting married? That those who would describe themselves as being polyamorous really are nothing but a bunch of lewd swingers being formal about their deal? That sort of thing.

I'm just uncomfortable with broaching the topic myself. I'm used to expecting just disapproval full-blast without much want or reason. Though in retrospect, still expecting that when I posted in intelligent discussion seems a bit silly. Call me paranoid.

Well, to say the least I actually know a couple who is polyamorus. I can tell you, while most people don't really care about it (in my neck of the woods, but we are a weird state anyway). Their son *one of my besties who I went to see the hockey game with since Ig and Val were poops and had to leave* Was not happy with it whatsoever. there are ground rules in Polyamory relationships. I've gotten to know both the girlfriend AND the Boyfriend. And the main couple are married. But out of being open and fair my friends mom *the wife* let me ask questions about their relationship and the "rules" so to say. 

They respect the fact that they are married, and that they do love eachother. With that, sex with the opposite is not appropriate. They are allowed to kiss and cuddle, but sex is not important. The romantic aspect, the "love" is the most important part of it. It's the inviting of another person into your close net of family on a romantic level. That's really the only thing. It's when sex and all this other stuff gets added is when things get more complicated. To be fair to the populace, there are a ton of people that think of Poly people as sex hounds, and whores, womanizers etc. This is not true when dealing with ALL relationships of Polyamory. It does in fact break up the traditional home, and causes quite a ton of confusion for kids. I really WOULDN'T recommend a family, cus a child living in that environment might not grow well on relationships (especially if the Poly relation in question is REALLY not 100% stable, they can develop really bad relationship views on how they see couples or members of the opposite sex). To play devil's advocate however, a Poly relationship that has nothing to do with sex and all that other stuff, happens to be like having that really close best friend that you love and care about and would move the world for. But in that sense the word Polyamory could be used very loosely. 

Simple fact, it's hard to love one person and another the same. That's just how I see it, it also makes me feel a little strange because competing for the attention and the other 2 might start to feel certain way about it. Personally I say no unless you keep the Romance completely out of it and keep it as a close friend basis, drawing the line very, VERY thick. Does my friend's parents do it healthy? For the most part yes, but the problems are STILL there and they've been doing this for 3 years, and it didn't begin to start working UNTIL those lines were being drawn as thick as they were. The fact of the matter is I think in the end you do start to prioritize one relationship over another, especially when romance is involved. And that's exactly what it had been for my friend's parents they just had to make the boundaries even MORE clearer than they did before. :|

I can see if there are those right people who get together, a polyamorous relationship can work out, but then again, it's those RIGHT people. Many people can't even handle their own self, let alone a single partner. I don't look down upon it, I get... worried. I had a friend who tried that, and well... she couldn't handle herself or the one partner deal like I mentioned before so the whole thing went in flame and ended with an awkward eviction (as she had moved in with her partners.)

As for me, I attach myself to very few people. I am not really romantically interested in others initially so it gets hard for me to develop feelings. I got my Beau from a fluke! I never said I liked him until we were going out for a few days. Could I be in a polyamorous relationship? HELL NO. But it's not right for me.

Some people don't have relationships. Some have one. Then some can have many.

I've seen some relationships where cheating is any intimate contact with another or any sincere attraction. Two people would have to have the same or understand similar ideas of that (as I've seen couples that have one person who is flirty but the partner understands) to be with each other. Now be lucky enough to find a third or more. Now keep it up.

COMMITMENT :D

I'm going to more or less echo Kersha's thoughts on it. It's not for everyone. If EVERYONE in the situation is okay with the situation as it stands, then I see absolutely no reason why it would inherently be a bad thing. I don't know if it's a particularly polite thing to say that kids should be out of the question, because (honestly) I feel like telling a polyamorous or polygamous group that they should not have kids because of potential mental scarring/instability in the children is not unlike saying similar things to homosexual couples. Kids might be confused, sure. Kids might be bullied for it (unfortunately), sure. But to say in blanket form no it's a bad idea is just rude, imo. I think it would definitely be a decision warranting more thought and planning than the "traditional" case of husband and wife, but I wouldn't ever make a blanket statement saying it would be a bad idea.

Polyamory is something with actual historical documentation, too. Many men in ancient greece were married to women and had male (or female) lovers on the side. There are stories written of men with mistresses (while the wife full well knows of it but chooses to ignore and/or not make a big deal out of it due to other factors, or is actually completely okay with it), so I don't see it as inherently bad, again, as long as everyone in the situation is on-board with it. And I don't mean people who just nod and say "yeah sure it's fine" while actually meaning "NO PLEASE I DON'T WANT THAT."

I also have a bit of an anecdote to add. A friend of mine had a girlfriend with whom he had an open relationship. Theirs was long-distance, and his girlfriend had no problem with him having casual sex with other women on the side. She only considered it "cheating" if the bond was romantic in addition to sexual. So there's that sort of thing, too. It works for some people, it doesn't work for others.

Bottom line is: as long as you aren't hurting yourself or others with such a situation, by all means go right ahead. I can't think of a feasible argument that doesn't involve some flimsy argument about "morals" or "ethics" to argue against it. It wouldn't work personally for me, but I've never been one to impose my own feelings and beliefs on others.

Polyamory is something with actual historical documentation, too. Many men in ancient greece were married to women and had male (or female) lovers on the side. There are stories written of men with mistresses (while the wife full well knows of it but chooses to ignore and/or not make a big deal out of it due to other factors, or is actually completely okay with it), so I don't see it as inherently bad, again, as long as everyone in the situation is on-board with it. And I don't mean people who just nod and say "yeah sure it's fine" while actually meaning "NO PLEASE I DON'T WANT THAT."

 

I also have a bit of an anecdote to add. A friend of mine had a girlfriend with whom he had an open relationship. Theirs was long-distance, and his girlfriend had no problem with him having casual sex with other women on the side. She only considered it "cheating" if the bond was romantic in addition to sexual. So there's that sort of thing, too. It works for some people, it doesn't work for others.

I'd just like to point out that open relationships are not polyamory. Poly relationships involve all of the involved members being in a relationship with each of the others.

Poly relationships are cool beans, although understandably incredibly difficult. It's often hard enough to find one person you're compatible with and find love with, but then finding a third who fits with both of the people in the current relationship is even trickier; it gets exponentially harder after that, though I don't honestly know a lot of people in poly relationships who attempt any more after a trio.

Personally, I think the whole "one true love" idea is bullshit. There are inevitably going to be multiple people in the world who you could find love with. That said, I'm not sure I would be interested in a poly relationship. If I find a partner who would want to be in a poly relationship, I could be open to the idea, but one person is honestly enough for me. That's really what it all falls down to - how many people do you want to share your love with; no answer is inherently better, and just because you want more doesn't mean you're unsatisfied in your current relationship or that you're "greedy." As an aside, people who don't want to be in a relationship at all are not necessarily incapable of love or a "loner," it's all just lifestyle choice, man, and if it works for them then it's da butts.

My morality is based completely on consent. Pretty much, you can do whatever you want as long as all parties are consenting and you're not hurting anyone against their will. (This includes voluntary cannibalism and assisted suicide)

So I see no problem with either of those things so long as all parties know and consent to it.

Like pretty much everyone else's view in this thread I think it's absolutely fine. If everyone's cool with it and no one is going to crash and burn then there's nothing wrong with it. Everything is fine as long as there is consent all over it. If you push that rule aside though then things get very icky. I find it very odd how people act as if it burns a persons "image" as someone with good morals if this said person was to be in that kind of an relationship. It's like some terribly big scandal worth falling over and gasping at with a big "o" shaped mouth. You may not be up for a relationship like that but that doesn't mean you shame other people because they are. From what I've seen the whole poly thing tends to get fingers pointed at women/men and words like "slut" and "whore" back those up. It's not right and it's pretty damn arrogant of someone to behave like that and call people that.

I personally would be chill with something that if it was just a casual kind of thing. I wouldn't go along though if I really loved someone romantically, though. I'd turn into a wreck if I tried that with someone I was fully and romantically in love with. Dunno, maybe I'd be open to it if it was a one or two time thing but in the end I prefer it not to happen at all.